In every marriage, there are two types of people. Look at your own marriage, or your parents, or your friends, and you will see there are two types of people. In general, you will find that these two types of people will marry each other. I can see it in my marriage. I can see it in my parents’ marriage. I can see in countless other marriages. More often than not, these two different people are there in every marriage.

You might be wondering, ‘But Shakeel, how can you make such big, sweeping statements and generalisations when every person and couple is so different?’ Well, hear me out. I’ll show you. When it’s the end of a long day, and you’re tired and exhausted, and the kitchen is a mess, you have one person who wants to wash everything up before sitting down, while the other person wants to sit down before doing the washing up later, maybe even the next day. Tell me I’m wrong. It doesn’t even matter if you consider yourself type A or type B; these two types are almost always there. The work then rest, and the rest then work. 

Now, obviously, it is not as simple as that, and in all seriousness, I don’t think it is fair or accurate to put people firmly inside these boxes, but judging by your reactions, I think you can resonate with the point I am trying to make. Sisters Martha and Mary, though not a couple, fit this stereotype. We can all clearly see that Martha is the person who wants to wash the dishes before sitting down, whereas Mary is the person who wants to sit down and wash the dishes later. Now, I am sure this is not always the case, and that Martha and Mary are not locked into these generalisations 24/7. However, when you look at our gospel story today, you can see that Martha and Mary do play up to these two different personalities.

I often find that when I talk to people about Martha and Mary, I tend to notice a split as to which of the sisters receives more empathy. If you are the wash dishes first person, you might resonate more with Martha. If you are the sit down first person, you might resonate more with Mary. At this point, I’ll confess I am the Martha in my marriage. I am the person who can’t sit down until I’ve finished doing everything I feel I need to do, and I know it drives Cecily crazy. Please note I recognise that it is what I feel I need to do rather than what I actually need to do.

Most of us will tend to err on the side of our preferred way as being the right way, but I know that for all the ways being a Martha can be advantageous for me, there are many ways in which it goes against me. There are countless times when, after a long day out of the house, instead of settling down in the evening to spend time with Cecily, I sneak (and I mean sneak) off to do the kitchen, or fold the laundry. These are not bad things, and most Martha types would say, ‘That’s great, you are getting the jobs done and out of the way.’ But then, once I’ve done all these jobs, and I finally sit down, Cecily is already asleep on the sofa. It’s now too late, and so we are off to bed. So, when I look back at how that day went, for all the good that I can take away from it, I ended up spending no time with the person who is most important to me, the person whom I’d always say I would rather spend time with than wash dishes, yet my actions say otherwise. 

If you fall into this same category, I’m not trying to shame you or reprimand you for the good work you do to serve your family and your loved ones. However, if you are like me, like Martha, then we all know that there are times when our need to do jobs means that we miss out on the people who matter most to us. It’s really helpful that I go and cook the food and do the dishwasher when we have family over, but if I spend the majority of my time doing that, then I actually don’t get to spend much time with my family.

In this scenario, Martha and Mary’s close friend Jesus has come to visit them. Jesus always seems to be on the move, so getting time with him can be quite precious. Not only do Martha and Mary have the opportunity to spend time with Jesus, but it is in the comfort of their own home, away from the distractions of crowds of people surrounding them. What a precious opportunity Martha and Mary have to be with Jesus. Mary relishes the chance to spend time with her dear friend Jesus. To sit with him, talk to him, learn from him, and share jokes and stories together.

Meanwhile, Martha misses out on all of this. She is busy in the kitchen, preparing food, clearing the table, and sweeping the floor to ensure they can properly welcome and look after Jesus, their friend and teacher, who has come as a guest to their home.

Before you give Martha a hard time, I think it’s important to commend her desire to welcome and bless Jesus. But at the end of the day, when Martha and Mary both look back at Jesus’ visit, they will have vastly different experiences of spending time with Jesus.

As you could imagine, ‘Martha was upset over all the work she had to do, so she came [through to Jesus and Mary] and said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to come and help me!”’ What Martha is saying isn’t unreasonable. Why is Mary not helping with the hosting duties? Does Mary not know that if they work together, they can get food prepped and on the table 30 minutes sooner?

Jesus replies to Martha, saying ‘Martha, Martha! You are worried and troubled over so many things, but just one is needed. Mary has chosen the right thing, and it will not be taken away from her.’ Martha is worrying over many good things, but she is missing out on the best thing, and that is being with Jesus. It’s the one thing that is more important, more precious, more essential than all other things. Being with Jesus. This is what Mary has clocked on to. She knows that the one thing she needs is to be with Jesus. Other things may be important, but they are secondary to the ultimate need to be with Jesus. Instead of Mary needing to be with Martha, as she supposes, Martha discovers that she needs to be with Mary, spending time with Jesus, because that is the most important thing.  

This is the same lesson that we need to take away from this. That being with Jesus is the most important thing for us, but not only that, it’s the best thing on offer, so why would we want to miss out on that?

As a Martha kind of person myself, I am never going to tell you not to do all the good things that we might do in our lives. Doing the good things for our family, for our church, for our work, for our community, and so on. But I know from personal experience that I can let that stuff sideline the most important thing of being with people, of being with Jesus.

Imagine if Jesus came for dinner, and naturally, you want to make it really special. You clean the whole house from top to bottom. You dust the spare mugs in the other cupboard even though they are perfectly fine, and Jesus isn’t going to see them. You are running around the kitchen preparing starters and appetisers, topping up the drinks, and getting the mains ready. Eventually, you sit down to eat, but you have to keep popping back out to the kitchen to check dessert and also top everyone’s drinks up. Then, even after dessert, when you think you can sit down, you get the tea and coffee on and bring out the after-dinner chocolates (after eight, anyone?). While the kettle is boiling you start work on cleaning the kitchen, and even when you bring all the drinks out for everyone else, you are now caught in the cleaning flow and won’t leave until the kitchen is spotless. It will only take 20 or 30 minutes at most. But 50 minutes later, once that’s done, you come to sit down just as Jesus has to head off. The end result is that everyone else had a great night with Jesus, and you had a rushed five minutes with him when you scoffed your dinner quickly before getting on with dessert. Is that what any of us really want?

It’s good to do these things for Jesus, but not if it means you miss out on the whole point of Jesus coming to visit, which is to spend time with you. You could have reheated leftovers from the night before, made a pot of tea and sat down for a great night with Jesus. It’s not as fancy as you would like to make it for Jesus, which is very thoughtful of you, but it means you get to do the most important thing, and that is to spend time with Jesus, being with him.   

Some of us might need to hear this today, I know I do. If you are finding yourself running around for Jesus, doing good things for him, your family, your church, your community, that’s great, and Jesus sees and honours that. But don’t let it mean that you become so busy that you miss out on being with Jesus, because that is the most important thing.

Some of us need to let go of things, maybe we need to accept that we cannot do everything, and that we need to choose what is most important. Doing things for Jesus, or being with Jesus? Both are good, but I certainly know which one is better. If you are too busy, are there things which you can lay down in order to create more space to be with Jesus. It’s great to do things for Jesus, but if it comes at the expense of being with Jesus, then we are missing out on what Jesus has for us. God’s gift to us is that he is with us. Don’t miss out on that gift. Don’t be a Martha without also being a Mary. The most important thing is to be with Jesus.

Amen.